Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Tis the Season.

I LOVE Christmas! It just fills my body with warm fuzzies... It truly is the mostly wonderful time of the year. Especially when we remember the True reason for the Season, Jesus Christ's birth. This year I was bummed because I was unable to buy any gifts until after the New Year, but everyone loved them just the same.



After some tearful convincing, Jake paid for Blue to get her picture taken with Santa at Petsmart. It is the absolute most dreadful picture with Santa EVER. But it was well worth it if you ask me! I'll try to remember to upload the picture on here, it's hilarious.

Jake, Jayson, Bryce and I decided to purchase and decorate our own Christmas tree for their house. It turned out really nice and we decided to do a Jeep theme (of course!) with some 4x4 Emblems and Jeep Hot Wheels that Jake made into ornaments. It was fun and chaotic trying to get all our decorations juuuust riiiight! And after stringing and restringing lights, and beads. It turned all the little OCD efforts were done in vain.
No matter what we did we could not get the top and bottom half lights to match up. The bottom was our friend, we set it and forget it (if you will), the top on the other hand... that little demon had a mind of its own. You'd set it to stationary (or so you thought) it would do that for a few seconds, but then it's ADD would kick in and it start twinkling, slow then fast, then dimming, then stationary again... It was slightly irritating but we all couldn't help but laugh at the madness.






Christmas Eve Jayson, Bryce and I played some bored games and ate some junk food. Pepper really liked the Cheetos. We played Life and Clue which are my two absolute favorites, Jayson won both games due to Bryce not being familiar with them or the rules... haha it was such a good time.






Christmas Day.


Raegyn with Peanut, and Roscoe.


































Grandma Patterson and Peanut. With posing like that, me and the kid have to share genes.




Me and Jake <3

Monday, December 21, 2009

ready?... break!

4 days 'till Christmas!

Me and the boys got a Christmas tree for the house, I bought some silver and blue ornaments that have to be put up. So far it's just some Jeep hotwheels, and Jeep emblems. It's all pretty fantastic i love it.

Me and Jake went ice-skating with the Regeneration group on Friday and had such a blast. He likes to go fast and win races and such, and so he pulled some muscles in his legs. I would like to say, "serves him right" but in reality I feel bad for the boy. :( good thing I have awesome massage skills.

& the last thing to get into a little bit of crazy Christmas spirit... my dear Jake, even though he thought it was totally stupid took Blue to Petsmart with me to get her picture taken with Santa. The Santa was kinda weird, and scary, even Blue who loves everyone was a little apprehensive. But, it all worked out and I have a framed photo of Blue and Santa under the tree. :D

In other news. I have successfully completed 1/5 of my UCMT education! (with mostly A's, I think just one B!)
I got laid off sometime in November, but I got hired back on starting last night. So that's one less thing to stress about, and perfect timing because I'm running very low on my savings...

I'm happy.

Monday, November 9, 2009

love him.


I love peanut. I never thought I would say such things... but I do.

This past Easter I was in the garage with a friend while he worked on his Jeep. I went inside to grab something and my mom told me, "you're going to be an aunt." I didn't say anything and went back outside. I was shocked, I needed to fully compute the information I'd just received before I got any more details. After a couple more minutes I went back in and asked my mom what exactly was going on, she explained to me that my older brother Collin, and his long-term girlfriend Amanda were expecting.

After the initial shock of everything wore off, we all started planning, and day-dreaming of what this little baby was going to mean to our lives. My parents, still in their early 40's, were going to be grandparents, my brother was going to be someones daddy, my younger brother was going to be an uncle, and me & Raegyn were going to aunts. None of us had ever been any of these things before, so it was very exciting.

When we saw the first ultrasound, Collin said, "that little peanut looking thing is my baby." At that point it really did look like a peanut, and from that point on baby has been referred to as "peanut".


Well on Saturday 11/07/09 little peanut or Owen Arthur Crane was born. It was a pretty rough labor for Amanda, she ended up having an emergency C-section because he's breathing and heart-rate became too unstable. It was a little nerve-racking... but at about 2:25pm he was here at 7lbs 4oz 19in. He was having some respiratory problems and had to be hooked up to some machines for awhile. But then after what felt like an eternity for everyone we got to see and hold him.


I was so nervous! He was so tiny, and everybody already loved him so much... I didn't want to break him or anything. But I took a deep breath and my mom passed the little guy to me. He just looked up at me with pretty eyes, and everything was okay. I just sat there and held him...



I loved him. At that moment I knew it. I loved this boy who I had just met, who's nickname was something I very much dislike, (whether it be in butter form, or a snickers bar). I knew I would love him... but I was still surprised at how much, and how quickly it happened.


I'm very excited to be his aunt, so I can babysit him, take him jeeping with me, let Blue have a small child to play with.... I'll be his aunt his whole life... and that's amazing.

Here he is again.... see? perfect :-)

Saturday, November 7, 2009

domo arigato

woah.
it's been two years. i can hardly believe it.
it's incredible how much changed in two years, but also how much didn't change...


Saturday, October 31, 2009

happy halloween

>I was the kid who dreaded Halloween every single year. As soon as my birthday hit I knew it was getting close... the haunted houses, horror movies, and just the general creepiness that fills the air. Don't get me wrong I loved dressing up ( barbie bride, a clown, butterfly...) and getting tons of candy. But I hated the feeling of constant fear I had in bones.
I remember in 4th grade one of the 6th grade classes set up a "haunted house" in their classroom and invited all of the school to go through it. When it was my classes turn I was so scared, especially when I noticed they were only letting us go in one at a time. I tried to think of ways to get out of it, without looking like a complete scaredy-cat in front of everyone. Then one girl in my class got too scared and started walking back... providing mewith the perfect excuse, I wasn't scared I was just helping out a dear friend. Well after minute of talking with her, we both decided we felt dumb for not going through so we made a plan to go together. It took some convincing but the teacher eventually let us. The whole time we went through I hid my fear, she would scream and I would say, "everything's okay sarah" "you're okay". I was really comforting myself in the only way I could at that moment.
For my 8th birthday I begged my parents to take me to the haunted forest. I didn't make it 10 minutes before I broke down into tears. I was literally so scared I just didn't want to move, so my dad had to carry me. (keep in mind I was not a small 8 year old, I was about the size of your average 12-13 year old) The whole time he was carrying me I sobbing and repeating, ''they are just people in masks''.
After that I refused to go through any haunted house for years and years. It wasn't until I was at Lagoon for frightmares with my family when I was like 17 that I finally did it again. They had all already gone through one while I sat outside too afraid to go in. When it came time for the second one I didn't want to chicken out again, so I braced myself for sure death and went through. When I came out, I was fine. I remember thinking, ''that wasn't so bad", because it wasn't.
I didn't go to another haunted house until last year. I was super scared before I went in, but by the time it was over, I realized I didn't get scared very much at all. This year I went with some friends to Nightmare on 13th. I was so scared before we went in, I was almost in tears. But, after just a few minutes inside I was starting to relax. I was at the front of our friends, holding the hand of a boy who calms me almost instantly. I had tons of fun! I jumped a little bit but I didn't even scream once, and when we got out I was laughing at myself for being so scared earlier.
I just love looking back and realizing how far I've come :)
Ps. Don't tell my brother I'm a zombie.

Monday, October 26, 2009

please?

Sometimes in our beautiful little lives something unexpected happens. Sometimes they are things we see as positive, sometimes on the other hand they are things we see as being negative. But, either way they just happen, out of nowhere... & so much changes. Everything starts to feel different. Time starts feeling like it moves at a different pace, either way too fast or way too slow.... You're suddenly aware of where your heart is, you realize you have to keep breathing. You don't want to sleep because your life is suddenly your dreams coming true. You know what it's like to feel your face get hot, your breaths get shorter, and then your eyes are wet. Whatever it is that this situation brings out, makes us more aware.
I'm there right now. Out of nowhere, it's all changed, and now I'm more aware. Most definitely I'm seeing this as a very positive thing. Everything is falling into place, I have a sense of rightness like this is where I belong right now.
To some passing by I'm sure this sounds like a broken record that keep repeating the same line over and over again, even if you really like the song being played you want to hear it all, not just the same line, and if that record won't play the whole song, there's no need in playing it. But, those actually experiencing this with me, they hear something different. It's a completely different song playing now, sure it has some of same band members, but it's not even a remix, it's something new and fresh all in itself.
It's okay to be nervous, it's okay to be cautious, that's why we're more aware. But, the fact of the matter is... I'm happy... REALLY happy. So, even if you don't understand what's going on, even if your a little aprehensive, please just be happy for me and support me. That's all I want is support... but I don't need it. I'm taking this step for me and where I'll land I'm not exactly sure but I'm excited to find out.


Saturday, October 17, 2009

Nothing Else Matters.

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trust in who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know (yeah!)

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trust in who we are
No nothing else matters.

-Metallica :)

I am going to see Metallica in concert on December 7th! I'm SO pumped!!
This is one of my favorite songs, so fitting for this moment in time.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

beauty?

Do you think I'm beautiful?
Please tell me if you do...
Today I was told I look depressed lately.
What does that say of my beauty?
In the eye of the beholder?
so cliche how could that possibly be true?
Please tell me you see it...
Tell me do you see beauty?

Friday, October 9, 2009

a little something.

It truly is more than what anyone sees.
I think if they knew why they'd be more proud of me...
It's all part of letting go... No more faking.
I'm gonna be me no matter what the cost...everythings just better that way.
I won't base "me" on who anyone thinks I am, should be, or what they want me to be.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

who knows?

I took you to the places most special to my soul,

and you took me to yours.

We told our deepest darkest secrets,

never to be uttered again.

Now the pictures from our past hold more secrets than anyone could realize.

I'll just keep it all here in my heart.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

20/20

Every year right before my birthday I start to get a little anxious. I get excited to be a little older, but I get nervous not knowing if I'm ready...

For my 13th I was excited to finally be a teen, but I was so nervous of what others might expect out of me because of it.

For my 15th I had a little breakdown when I realized I was halfway to 30.

And my 16th... I had looked forward to being 16 as long as I can remember, I was going to be able to drive, date, stay out later, and earn my own money... Well according to my parents rules I needed a 3.0 gpa to get my license so I didn't get it till I was 17. Suddenly 16 wasn't enough, and I was counting down the days till I was 18 so I wouldn't have to listen to my "stupid" parents and I could do whatever I wanted. I did everything in my power to look, act, and in my eyes feel older. I soon realized it was easier than I had thought. I started lying to my parents so I could do what I want, the things I that I thought would make me cooler and more mature. And by pushing myself to grow up so quickly, I literally stunted my emotional growth.

I've realized that for the past few years I've had the emotional maturity of a 14 or 15 year old. I was a spoiled little girl, who thought she deserved anything that would make her happy, all while looking to the wrong things for happiness. There was this illusion, this persona of a "mature woman", that I would put on, and the more people bought it the more I bought it. But there was times that who I truly was would shine through...

If I got in a fight I had to be right to be right no matter what, I would never admit to being wrong under any circumstances.

When I got stressed I would just cry, I wouldn't look for a solution so in turn I couldn't find one and I would start tearing myself down.

I would say I didn't care what other people think of me, but so much of what I did was a direct result of me trying to appear cooler, more beautiful, sexier, etc in the eyes of people who don't matter.

I let myself keep being afraid of everything, because I had my whole life... but I'm sorry there is something wrong with a 18 year old who has all the same fears and more from when she was 8.

I didn't know how to love, or really how to be loved either.

Then things started happening shortly before my 19th birthday, that forced me to face my demons. But still I avoided them the best I could up until the end of October '08. I started realizing things that were too painful to deal with so I tried my usual method of suppressing it. But I felt like everything inside of me was exploding... so I slowly began to really deal with everything. By January I was already feeling better, so I kept going... There were a few road-blocks at times, but I was determined to keep going.

This past June I flew to Sierra Vista, AZ to be a nanny for a 6 weeks. I was so nervous to go, I was being ripped from every comfort zone I had ever known, away from my family, my friends, my church, Blue... everything I went to for support. But the one thing I didn't leave behind, was Jesus Christ. He came with me, just like He had been with me since the beginnning of me started to heal, and grow up... and that all the difference. There is no way I could've done without Him. Those 6 weeks were very hard for me, but it was one of the best things that has happened to me. I grew from what I feel like was a little girl trapped inside a grown-up's body, into a real woman. I realized all I needed was to stop getting caught up in my daily life, worrying about each day, and being stressed and scared, and I just needed to let God in. Let Him work in my life, and in my heart, when I did that everything else just fell into place. I suddenly felt like I had a future, and I knew what I wanted... everything became so clear is such a short amount of time. I can finally see that I was just a little girl trying to act grown up, without actually growing up because it was too painful.

Now at 20, I don't feel different than I did four days when I still 19, but I know I am so different than I was one year ago when I turned 19. For the first time I faced a birthday with nothing but joy and confidence. I guess that's why I didn't plan a party, I didn't need cake, presents, singing, and balloons to make me feel like it was okay, it just was... I finally feel content with my age... I don't feel this need to be older, who I am physically and emotionally actually lines up. Everything is place, and it just keep getting better. Everytime I struggle, I come out stronger, ("I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13). I'm at the beginnning of something wonderful and I'm so excited to see where I go from here.