Saturday, October 31, 2009

happy halloween

>I was the kid who dreaded Halloween every single year. As soon as my birthday hit I knew it was getting close... the haunted houses, horror movies, and just the general creepiness that fills the air. Don't get me wrong I loved dressing up ( barbie bride, a clown, butterfly...) and getting tons of candy. But I hated the feeling of constant fear I had in bones.
I remember in 4th grade one of the 6th grade classes set up a "haunted house" in their classroom and invited all of the school to go through it. When it was my classes turn I was so scared, especially when I noticed they were only letting us go in one at a time. I tried to think of ways to get out of it, without looking like a complete scaredy-cat in front of everyone. Then one girl in my class got too scared and started walking back... providing mewith the perfect excuse, I wasn't scared I was just helping out a dear friend. Well after minute of talking with her, we both decided we felt dumb for not going through so we made a plan to go together. It took some convincing but the teacher eventually let us. The whole time we went through I hid my fear, she would scream and I would say, "everything's okay sarah" "you're okay". I was really comforting myself in the only way I could at that moment.
For my 8th birthday I begged my parents to take me to the haunted forest. I didn't make it 10 minutes before I broke down into tears. I was literally so scared I just didn't want to move, so my dad had to carry me. (keep in mind I was not a small 8 year old, I was about the size of your average 12-13 year old) The whole time he was carrying me I sobbing and repeating, ''they are just people in masks''.
After that I refused to go through any haunted house for years and years. It wasn't until I was at Lagoon for frightmares with my family when I was like 17 that I finally did it again. They had all already gone through one while I sat outside too afraid to go in. When it came time for the second one I didn't want to chicken out again, so I braced myself for sure death and went through. When I came out, I was fine. I remember thinking, ''that wasn't so bad", because it wasn't.
I didn't go to another haunted house until last year. I was super scared before I went in, but by the time it was over, I realized I didn't get scared very much at all. This year I went with some friends to Nightmare on 13th. I was so scared before we went in, I was almost in tears. But, after just a few minutes inside I was starting to relax. I was at the front of our friends, holding the hand of a boy who calms me almost instantly. I had tons of fun! I jumped a little bit but I didn't even scream once, and when we got out I was laughing at myself for being so scared earlier.
I just love looking back and realizing how far I've come :)
Ps. Don't tell my brother I'm a zombie.

Monday, October 26, 2009

please?

Sometimes in our beautiful little lives something unexpected happens. Sometimes they are things we see as positive, sometimes on the other hand they are things we see as being negative. But, either way they just happen, out of nowhere... & so much changes. Everything starts to feel different. Time starts feeling like it moves at a different pace, either way too fast or way too slow.... You're suddenly aware of where your heart is, you realize you have to keep breathing. You don't want to sleep because your life is suddenly your dreams coming true. You know what it's like to feel your face get hot, your breaths get shorter, and then your eyes are wet. Whatever it is that this situation brings out, makes us more aware.
I'm there right now. Out of nowhere, it's all changed, and now I'm more aware. Most definitely I'm seeing this as a very positive thing. Everything is falling into place, I have a sense of rightness like this is where I belong right now.
To some passing by I'm sure this sounds like a broken record that keep repeating the same line over and over again, even if you really like the song being played you want to hear it all, not just the same line, and if that record won't play the whole song, there's no need in playing it. But, those actually experiencing this with me, they hear something different. It's a completely different song playing now, sure it has some of same band members, but it's not even a remix, it's something new and fresh all in itself.
It's okay to be nervous, it's okay to be cautious, that's why we're more aware. But, the fact of the matter is... I'm happy... REALLY happy. So, even if you don't understand what's going on, even if your a little aprehensive, please just be happy for me and support me. That's all I want is support... but I don't need it. I'm taking this step for me and where I'll land I'm not exactly sure but I'm excited to find out.


Saturday, October 17, 2009

Nothing Else Matters.

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trust in who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
But I know

I never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know (yeah!)

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trust in who we are
No nothing else matters.

-Metallica :)

I am going to see Metallica in concert on December 7th! I'm SO pumped!!
This is one of my favorite songs, so fitting for this moment in time.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

beauty?

Do you think I'm beautiful?
Please tell me if you do...
Today I was told I look depressed lately.
What does that say of my beauty?
In the eye of the beholder?
so cliche how could that possibly be true?
Please tell me you see it...
Tell me do you see beauty?

Friday, October 9, 2009

a little something.

It truly is more than what anyone sees.
I think if they knew why they'd be more proud of me...
It's all part of letting go... No more faking.
I'm gonna be me no matter what the cost...everythings just better that way.
I won't base "me" on who anyone thinks I am, should be, or what they want me to be.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

who knows?

I took you to the places most special to my soul,

and you took me to yours.

We told our deepest darkest secrets,

never to be uttered again.

Now the pictures from our past hold more secrets than anyone could realize.

I'll just keep it all here in my heart.