Sometimes I think I could happily spend each moment in my own little room, in my own little bed... alone. I guess just hope everything that hurts will just go away... that I'll just wake up 5 or 10 years down the road not worrying about anything that is happening now. I could spend every last minute stuck in my head.... thoughts after thoughts after thoughts. Each one more damaging then the last. I am my own worst enemy, my mind causes my heart so much pain. I wish I could stop remembering things... everything...
I didn't even eat one meal a day this past week. & I slept more than I would like to admit. & I've realized the cold hard truth... What I was feeling and trying to escape or wait out was depression. I have felt this before... but this time was different. At least it feels different, it feels more painful... I can't remember the last day that I haven't cried. I go from feeling down right shitty, to feeling okay... the great, wonderful, happy feelings that I had grown very accustomed to, were all just... gone.
Every bit of aching soul is crying out to the Lord for healing. Every time I force myself to go out of my room, to face the world. I feel a little bit better, at least for a little while. Last night I went to school and then I went to college group. I only made it for the last little bit, and for dinner. I met some new kids who ate with me, Cass, and Anthony. & I laughed... I laughed more than I have in a long time. I was able to just to joke around and enjoy myself, and ignore all the pain that was going on inside.
I know that I'm going to be okay... I know one day... one day my heart will heal. I know that I am slowly healing... I know I can't do this on my own because if I did I would hunker down in my own little cocoon and sleep and cry. I'm so thankful for my awesome friends and family, who help me more than they even know...
But most of all I'm thankful for my Savior. Neither me nor my life isn't perfect just because I'm a Christian. Being a Christian just puts a target on my back for the Enemy, the thing is I don't take any shots on my own, Christ took everything for me, He went thru more pain, physical and emotional than I can even imagine. All for me, and for you. It just blows me away.... and that makes everything worth it. In the future when I can look back and see the big picture, see the work that my God is doing, it will be so worth it, that is what I know.
I read a scripture that was very encouraging to me the other day. It was an answer to all my prayers for strength and healing.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
... For when I am weak, then I am strong. I am strong. Oh thank God...
They always say, "You can never love someone until you truly love yourself"
I guess that's why I can fall totally, completely in love... and other people just... can't. (it sucks..)
but that's not my point.
My point is that I am in love with the most incredible man ever! & nothing... absolutely nothing else matters. I'll never be able to adequately explain it... this love we have. My only comfort and strength to get out of bed sometimes... There's going to be many people in the world, who think I'm crazy or just don't understand how I could love Him so much. But through everything He's been right there beside me, even when I didn't realize it.
If you knew me a year and a half ago you know the huge difference that he has made in my life. With the trials that I've experienced I can say in full confidence that without Him I would not still be here... I would've given up on everything quite some time ago. I'm just so glad I didn't wait one minute longer before I decided to let Him into my heart... because the time will come when it's too late. I have comfort and I have peace even when it feels like everything is falling apart, & all of my dreams are crushed. But only because I know He has bigger plans, and better things in store for me... down the road. I just have to wait and know that because He loves me everything will be okay... because... HE LOVES ME!
I don't deserve any of His love... and yet I feel it, I see it. He has chosen to love me, even though I'll continue to let him down... & some time ago I chose to love Him too and I've never looked back.
Jesus I am so in love with YOU! "whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." 1John 4:8
It all started while I was at work. I felt... off... I knew something wasn't right. So in a moment of inspiration I decided to fast, and keep a prayer in my heart. I was praying for clear answers and direction, & boy did I get some! On the way home the Lord sent me a very clear message. I realized my problem was that I had been trying to take control out of the Lord's hands and put it in my own. Control for not only my life, but also those of some wonderful people I know & love. I just had convinced myself I knew what was the best for everyone and if they would just listen to ME I could fix all their/our problems super easy! Of course I was wrong... dead wrong!! I don't know what's best for ANYONE! I have a hard enough time just trying to decide what I'd like to eat most times. I realized my prayers were less about seeking God's heart, and asking Him to guide me & my friends, I was praying with the intentions of Him submitting to my will not vice versa. It was a very painful realization, I began to wonder what I had missed out on from the Lord. But, through more quiet prayer He calmed all my worries. But, I was left with this feeling of, "what now?" I knew I had been making wrong choices but I didn't know how to make things right... Was He going to forgive me for being so incredibly dumb? Well of course! I didn't doubt that... I was doubting myself and my change of heart.
I was too exhausted from the day before/work to go to church in the morning, but I made it to a worship/baptism meeting later that evening. & oh what a blessing that was! My dear friend Cassie was baptized, which was beautiful to see. At the end of the service Joe went to the front and asked anyone who either needed to make a first time commitment or would like to make a recommitment, he said something like, "if you feel you've been far from God, if you want to set things right... stand up" I quickly stood up with tears of joy because I knew that was completely an answer to my prayers. I knew He had already forgiven me, and I knew that even though I had felt like I 'needed' to be in control, that now I know I would have joy from not being in control, or rather 'trying' to be in control.