Saturday, February 20, 2010

I delight in weaknesses

Sometimes I think I could happily spend each moment in my own little room, in my own little bed... alone. I guess just hope everything that hurts will just go away... that I'll just wake up 5 or 10 years down the road not worrying about anything that is happening now. I could spend every last minute stuck in my head.... thoughts after thoughts after thoughts. Each one more damaging then the last. I am my own worst enemy, my mind causes my heart so much pain. I wish I could stop remembering things... everything...

I didn't even eat one meal a day this past week. & I slept more than I would like to admit. & I've realized the cold hard truth... What I was feeling and trying to escape or wait out was depression. I have felt this before... but this time was different. At least it feels different, it feels more painful... I can't remember the last day that I haven't cried. I go from feeling down right shitty, to feeling okay... the great, wonderful, happy feelings that I had grown very accustomed to, were all just... gone.

Every bit of aching soul is crying out to the Lord for healing. Every time I force myself to go out of my room, to face the world. I feel a little bit better, at least for a little while. Last night I went to school and then I went to college group. I only made it for the last little bit, and for dinner. I met some new kids who ate with me, Cass, and Anthony. & I laughed... I laughed more than I have in a long time. I was able to just to joke around and enjoy myself, and ignore all the pain that was going on inside.

I know that I'm going to be okay... I know one day... one day my heart will heal. I know that I am slowly healing... I know I can't do this on my own because if I did I would hunker down in my own little cocoon and sleep and cry. I'm so thankful for my awesome friends and family, who help me more than they even know...

But most of all I'm thankful for my Savior. Neither me nor my life isn't perfect just because I'm a Christian. Being a Christian just puts a target on my back for the Enemy, the thing is I don't take any shots on my own, Christ took everything for me, He went thru more pain, physical and emotional than I can even imagine. All for me, and for you. It just blows me away.... and that makes everything worth it. In the future when I can look back and see the big picture, see the work that my God is doing, it will be so worth it, that is what I know.

I read a scripture that was very encouraging to me the other day. It was an answer to all my prayers for strength and healing.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

... For when I am weak, then I am strong. I am strong. Oh thank God...

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