Wednesday, July 14, 2010

funny and sad..

It's funny, ya know, how people change... That someone can go from being one of your best friends- you'd do anything for them & vice versa, from being someone that you can trust to always be there, and to be on the same track and mind set, to... a stranger.
This has happened to me with a few friends lately... which makes me think I might be changing? Well obviously my life is changing... but I'd like to think I'm still the pretty decent friend I've always been. And frankly I deserve better than how these "friends" have decided to treat me.
But I don't care... I mean I still love these people but for now I have no problem just walking away. There are different reasons why, like I don't need selfish people in my life, I don't need fake people in life... I guess it just comes down to growing up and getting away from everyone who's stuck in high school still. It's hard but I'm fine....


In other news... yesterday was the 11th anniversary of Grandma's death. I try to not be sad about it anymore.... I guess it's because I feel like that's silly of me I was 9 when she died- I should be over it by now....
I don't think I will ever be over it.
My relationship with her was different than any other relationship I've been in. I was her first granddaughter and so trust me-I was her favorite. Not only was the first but I was the only girl for about 4 years, then 3 more came. All the boys had each other to wrestle with, and the little girls were all the 'ninnies'. I was given the title of 'queen-ninny' solely because I was girl... but on a day to day basis I had little to do with the ninnies... I was 7 they were 3. So when I was lonely and didn't really have anyone else to play with- I had Grandma. She was always there for me, without fail. She helped teach me how to spell, and she would tell me all the wonderful, beautiful things I could grow up to be. All I ever felt from her was love.
Every time I think of her-I miss her.... I miss her when we go to family gatherings and the 'ninnies' all have each other, they are inseparable & I'm just not a part of that. One on one with each of them I have a great time, but when the three get together I might as well not exist. It's getting easier now that I have Nicholas but it's still hard.
I had a little bit of a breakdown yesterday, when I was thinking about the wedding. We've invited tons of people and I'm going to be very happy to see them, but when it comes down to it the person I would most like to show up... just can't... It's frustrating and heartbreaking. Yesterday I sat there with my head in my hands crying and saying, "it's just not fair"

I guess this is all part of growing up... it can't always be fun and beautiful.

I love you Grandma...

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