Thursday, August 5, 2010

the present is a gift.

The past. I gotta get over the past.

Everyone says they live with no regrets, but I don't know if I believe that. We all have something we wish we had never said, or done. Sure you can argue that everything happens for a reason and without each thing happening you wouldn't be in the same position you are in now. & I agree with that, I know that everything happens for a specific reason, no matter how bad it may seem. There's a plan, and where we are today is where we are supposed to be. But there's gotta be something you look back on, and wondering what on earth was I thinking? Like the words you speak out of anger to someone you really care about, or on the flip side the words you speak out of lust to someone who you don't. Or the dumb things we do when we're young, insecure, and wanna fit in.

I have instances in my life that fit into all those categories.

Don't get me wrong-I LOVE where and who I am today. I'm not perfect, and neither is my life-but I'm very happy and excited to see where my future leads.

BUT-I still have those time when I look at Nic, and I just wish that we could have gotten to where we are on a different path.
I wish I wouldn't have willingly put myself through so much heartache for someone that I really thought I loved, and that I was going to be with forever. I may have at point really loved him but only as much as I was able. (stole that from Nic) I was 18 & insecure, I wanted to feel loved I wanted him to fill the void that quickly consuming my entire life. But he couldn't and so I wasn't really happy, he wasn't really happy so we broke up. & what really should have been the end was the beginning-beginning to lies, manipulation, & games. All the while I'm trying to hold on to the love-when really there was so much hate. Luckily there was a real end eventually, but when I think about how much time, and emotion I wasted on that relationship-not even close to worth it.
I really wish that on our wedding night we would both be able to experience this whole magic moment, that is sex-for our first time. I wish we would have waited. I hate the thought of him being with someone else, yes I'm a little jealous, but I also hate that I have been with someone else too. It sucks that we took something so special and sacred, and turned it into something so degrading. & when you're sleeping with someone you trick yourself into feelings things you don't really feel-because in some way it will make it okay if you ''love'' that person. Ugh... so gross.

But I guess I need to realize the past is the past, I can't change it. & I know that as a Christian I need to live in the present happily expectant on the future. It's just hard sometimes... probably because I'm a crazy person. I was actually talking to Nic about this last night, I was crying and telling him how sad it all made me, and he just said "It's all worth it to me." Can I just say I love him? He's the little optimistic sunshine in my pessimistic storm cloud.

& I know that God can bring, 'beauty from ashes' (Isaiah 61:3) The ashes are the sins, the mistakes, essentially everything that is just worthless... and in exchange for that beauty-more beauty then we can even imagine.
Like that relationship I was in was total ashes, and when I finally gave it over to God, He did an amazing work and brought in a completely different relationship for my life. One that is full of love, understanding, and most importantly the Lord. I first and foremost have my relationship with the Lord, and then I have my relationship with Nic-the two are separate but very closely related at the same time.
& as far as the whole sex before marriage thing-God has shown me the beauty of true repentance, and that no matter how far I feel like I have gone He's still right there waiting for me to come back. & of course there's Olivia. So many people have blessed and lives changed-just by her very existence that no one could say she is a mistake. She is absolutely a gift of true beauty straight from God.

See all I have to do is remember... that's my biggest problem I get stuck in the past, (for no reason really). When I just need to focus on my present, and future. It's all gotta be uphill from some of the places that I have been-& all those places were learning experiences. I have to remember that. Stop focusing on the mistakes, and remember the blessings... all the MANY blessings.

Well... this was all personal and all over the place-Thank you for bearing with me through all that :)

Ps. I'm getting married in less than 2 days!!

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