Thursday, September 16, 2010

I-Insecure

I'm a human being & a girl so of course my life has been riddled with insecurities. Nic thinks it's silly and completely unreasonable those times I'm being insecure... in his words I have, ''absolutely no reason to be insecure about anything, even a little bit." But in all these different aspects of my life I have different insecurities.

Just being a girl causes insecurities, about the way I look and act. Am I pretty enough? Trying too hard? Too cold or too emotional? Most of the time these ones don't affect me as much. I know that I am an attractive woman, & whether I like it or not I'm pretty much super emotional so I might as well learn to embrace it. I worry about whether or not I'm "good enough", if the people I love-love me back, & if I even deserve the love they show me.

As a daughter I'm insecure about making my parents proud. I know that in the past I've disappointed them, and I haven't always lived by their rules... but I just hope that now, this path I'm on is making them proud. As a mother I (of course) have a million and half insecurities-but I've accepted that that is probably normal. I just need to remember that when I'm crying and thinking, 'poor baby, you deserve a better mama.'

There's the insecurities that come along with being a new wife am I good enough for him? Do I show him daily how much I truly am in love with him? etc... & then there's the few miscellaneous ones that are little more unique to our life. I of course have insecurities from our pasts, I feel guilty for giving so much to someone who wasn't Nic. There's been times where my pregnancy has made me insecure, I guess I just sometimes feel like to me this is a whole new situation and to him it's like 'been there, done that'. I've never felt a baby kick, I've purposely stayed super naive about the actual birthing, but he's been there, & he's loved a brand new baby with all that he is... But I've realized it's different this time, our relationship is very different than the one he had with Olivia's birthmom. We're married and so he's here with me to rub my back as I'm crying and sick, and to clean up the mess I make when I don't quite make it. Even though he already has a daughter, this is going to be his first baby that he will be able to raise, and that will grow up calling him 'daddy'. So I know that while everything to do with Olivia was very special to him, it will special this time just in a different way. & I see how much he loves Olivia he sacrificed so much all for her and I sometimes feel inadequate, like there is no way he could ever love me half as much, I mean she's practically perfect... & I'm far from it. He's reassured me that his love for me, and his love for her are completely different, and incomparable, he doesn't love one of us more than the other... It's just hard for me to understand but maybe when our baby is here I'll start to get it. He's a smart a caring man, I'm very lucky that I have someone who will stay up with me while I'm being irrational and emotional. He's completely honest with me, and will tell me I'm being ridiculous, and will help me laugh at myself.

"When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are"

In other news: Last night Nic was listening to the baby swish around & he was talking to it. It was seriously so cute! He asked baby if it was a girl then it should keep moving, then he listened closely looked up at me, & smiled. He asked baby if it was a boy it should stop moving, he listened again and looked up me kinda confused. I told him that meant we were having twins so he told baby if it's twins to move around like crazy, he listened once more, looked back at me and said, 'that's kind of freaky'. Apparently we are having boy and girl twins... haha not the most scientific test, but we'll see how accurate it really is. ;)

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