Saturday, October 2, 2010

S-Scars

Like most kids when I hit puberty in about 5/6th grade I began to have a bit of mild acne, sure it sucked but no big deal. Unlike most kids in 7th grade I developed severe cystic/nodular acne. "Nodular acne or cystic acne is generally really painful. One of the most extreme type of this kind of acne might continue for weeks and even months, ultimately solidifying into a cyst. Equally nodules and cysts frequently leave deep scars." It was absolutely horrible!! I had to suffer with it for years, it would come and go pretty much randomly, and nothing we used ever got completely rid of it.
When I was 10th grade my dermatologist started shooting them with steroid shots, which would get rid of the cysts in a few days instead of weeks, he also put me on Accutane, or isotretinoin. This is a very intense treatment, that you take orally-usually once a day or less, I was on doses of 2-3 a day. It dries your skin out, makes you incredibly sensitive to the sun, & can cause forms of psychosis including suicidal thoughts. While on it I couldn't donate blood, or get my eye brows waxed. I had to take a pregnancy test each month, and sign a contract that if I was to have sex while on this medicine I would use two separate forms of birth control, as it causes severe birth defects. Accutane is now being shown to cause all sorts of intestinal problems, I'm not even sure if they still prescribe it... Even after going through all the side effects, and knowing the possible complications, when my acne started to return I decided to get put back on it a 2nd time. The 2nd time was much more effective, and while I still get breakouts, it's nothing that birth control couldn't handle before the pregnancy, and now I just have to deal with it...

I can't really explain the emotional damage the acne, and the scars caused me. I always knew that deep down I was a beautiful girl, but I hated my skin. I would often cry myself to sleep, and pray that God would just get rid of it for me. I hated the way it looked, and the pain that I felt, at one point I thought the only way I would be able to escape the nightmare was to get some sort of face-transplant. But going through all that has made me who I am today, it is because of that nightmare that I am as strong and confident as I am.

Most of the time I no longer think about my scars, sure they occupy my face, chest and back, but I'm used to them-they make me unique. But there are times when I still hate them, and I wish I could have 'normal' skin, like when I look at some of my wedding pictures those scars are the first thing I see... but they aren't the last-I can look past them even then.

you can kind of see them in this pics.

People comment on them every once and awhile, and it doesn't bother me at all. I know they don't look like other scars, and people are just curious. I've been asked about my heart surgery, or if they are burn scars. I actually find it kind of funny when I get questions like that, just yesterday I boy at daycare asked me what was on my chest, when I realized what he was talking about I told him it was from when I got an 'ouchie'. He just said, 'ow'. There's only been one person who was outright rude about it to me, I'm sure people have said things behind my back, and I really don't care. But someone who I had considered a friend commented on one of my pics I had on Myspace, 'What the nasty? Your chest looks like swiss cheese.' That hurt. I eventually got over it and realized people are often just rude to others so they can feel better about themselves.

I know that the people who truly love me, (including myself), just don't care about my scars. Nic they have always been one of the things he loves about me. I wouldn't change any of it for myself but I want to do everything in my power to make sure my children don't have to go through what I did, because while it is often a hereditary and hormonal issue, I was the only kid in my family who had such severe acne. I don't want them to ever feel the way that I did. I've thought about having a laser procedure to get some of them removed, but I probably will have these scars the rest of my life. I wouldn't really be me without them... As far as I see it, it's one of those things where God has brought beauty from ashes.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Jordan, I had severe cystic nodule acne, too. It wasn't too bad at first, a pimple here or there. Then I started getting huge ones that were the size of nickles on my forehead. Finally I decided to see a dermatologist about it when I got one bigger than a quarter on my cheek. She put me on accutane and I did it for four months before I quit. It made my skin so dry I had to lather up in lotion after showers or my face would break out in flakes. It was painful. I used to never feel ill and now I never seem to feel ok. I still have deep pits and scars. I could finish my round of accutane and it would clear up the scars pretty well but I don't dare mess with my health any further. My skin is still pretty clear but I'm starting to get small breakout on my forehead again.

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