Monday, November 29, 2010

Last weekend I went to Page, Arizona (my dad's hometown) for the funeral of my great-grandmother. I really wasn't sad about her passing, part of that is because I was never really close with her. But mainly it's because I know it was her time. She was 93 years old with multiple health issues including cancer and in October she had 2 strokes. I actually smiled when I first heard she had passed, because she had a strong relationship with the Lord, & I knew at that time she was in heaven with Jesus face to face.
I'm really glad I was able to go down and spend that little bit of time with my extended family, none of them have seen me pregnant and so that was a lot of fun. Nic had to work so he stayed home and I missed him more than I ever thought I would. Spending those two nights alone... no fun.

While we were down there I got to meet some of the extended family on my grandpa's side. (After 21 years and going to the town that they lived at least once a year my entire life) Apparently there's a lot of estranged relationships, and hard feelings between people. But, in all of that I was able to see the ways that history is repeating itself. People who can't move on from the things of the past, or from who hurt them when they when were young. and people refusing to take responsibility for their own actions. It just felt like 'no wonder your kids are how they are, they learned it from you, & you learned it from...' it could probably continue onward. I very much was able to see how I don't want to take on my future. Don't get me wrong I saw wonderful examples of love, and beauty but sometimes it's easier to focus on the negative things so I can avoid them.
I found out that my grandpa is also allergic to sulfur, they gave him medicine with it in it when he was a baby and he almost died. I just get terribly itchy all over (on the inside), and one time I got a really bad fever. It was nice to know that it came from somewhere and also so I know to be careful and make sure the doctors know not to give it to Asher, (just in case).

Pretty much the highlight of my trip was Kieran. I can't even tell you how much I love that kid. He was 5 last year when I was his nanny for the summer, and he made me laugh all the time with all his crazy questions and comments. & He was the ringbearer for our wedding.


When we were at the dinner the first night someone mentioned that I was pregnant, and oh my goodness the stuff that started coming out of this kid's mouth. First he told me he didn't think I was actually pregnant, I was just fat. [yeah thanks] but then he did 'eenie-meenie-mynie-moe- and decided I was pregnant. To which is said, "If I ever got pregnant, I wouldn't want to be... I mean if I magically became a girl first." Then he started asking me all sorts of questions.
K: wouldn't it be crazy if you had a boy?
Me: I am having a boy.
K: are you sure? have you seen the baby?
Me: Yeah they have a camera that can in my tummy so we saw him.
K: Did it have a diaper on?
Me: Nope.
K: It was just NAKED?!?
Me: haha.. yeah.
K: ew... did you see his... thing?
Me: Yeah, that's how we knew it was a boy.
He seemed really disturbed by all of that. He kept asking me questions about how I knew the food I was eating was food the baby would like, and he told me I shouldn't eat chips and salsa cuz the baby would choke on the chips and salsa would burn his mouth. After we were done eating he looked at my nearly empty plate, and very loudly said, "You ate all that?!? You're gonna kill the baby! He won't have any room!" [once again thank you] I just told that it's the baby that makes me eat so much. ;)
We got in the car and were driving to our hotel and he starts asking, "So what exactly is a Navajo?" (Page is right by the Navajo reservation) his brother told him it was just a kind of indian. To which he asked, "So why do eat Navajo tacos??" I couldn't stop laughing, at least he's not a fan of canibilism.
He then looked at me and asked, "Wouldn't it be weird if you got pregnant the day after your wedding? & where is your husband anyway?" So then when we were at the luncheon after the funeral the next day, he just looked at me and said, "I wouldn't want to get pregnant the day after my wedding... that would be too weird."
Later that day we were in the hotel room and I was eating a banana, and he started again, "Why do you peel the whole banana? Why do you do that? Why do you have to eat the banana like that? & Why do you have an earring in your nose?!?" His mom told him to stop asking so many questions, and he said, "okay just one important one, why do you have an earring in your nose?" I couldn't even answer I was laughing so hard.
Seriously this kid makes my day. I'm sure there were many more hilarious things he said... I just can't think of them right now.

It was a fun, short trip but I was so happy to get home and hug my husband!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thankful

I feel like I have so much to be thankful for this year. Yes we have our stress and challenges, but we have been soo blessed : )
I just think back to where I was last year... ugh I'm thankful to just be in a new stage of life.


17 weeks

I'm super thankful for my slowly-growing tummy. It may not have been in our plans to have a baby this soon, but God knew that this is the right time for our little Asher to join our family. I'm so thankful for this opportunity to be pregnant, and be a mommy. I'm scared, nervous, and sometimes I complain to Nic about feeling fat, sick, or tired. But I don't, not even for one minute take any of this for granted. I know many beautiful wonderful women who are not able to conceive and carry a baby, and for all we knew I was going to have similar struggles. So even though this baby makes me sick & weak and sometimes it feels impossible to get comfortable, I know that in a few months it will all be more than worth it. & then when being a mommy is rough, when I'm not sleeping, and I have no free-time, I won't take any of that for granted. I have Nic right beside me whenever things get rough, reminding me of how much of a blessing our baby truly is.

26 weeks
I'm thankful for all the wonderful people in my life who I love, and that love me back.

& I have more gratitude then I could ever express for having a God who brings beauty from ashes, and restores broken lives.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Mama's Song

Mama's Song-Carrie Underwood

"Mama you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life
And I know you watch me grow up and always want whats best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers


And he is good, so good

He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me


Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me
And giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes


And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good, he makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me"




Ps. It's 100 days to my due date. So realisticlly in 100 days I will probably have a real baby. I'm kind of freaking out. I'm gonna be a mommy...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Happy Little King

“I am happy, for the daughters will call me blessed.” So she called his name Asher. Genesis 30:13
Asher = Happy

Nicholas Ryan.
Ryan = Little King

Here I am at the ultrasound. Feeling absolutely terrified.

Asher Ryan.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

You Are More Than A Broken Girl

The past couple weeks have been weird... All this stuff has happened that seems like in any other relationship we would be fighting, and really upset at each other. But me and Nic have just had some really good sessions of growing even closer. We aren't taking out our frustrations or insecurities on each other, we are definitely learning the importance of effective communicating.
I've been trying to deal with things privately. Things that are from my past starting when I was just kid, that I have continued to let haunt me. Nic knows these things, but he didn't know that it was weighing so heavily on me. He knew something needed to escape, and somehow he knows all the right words to make me let it all out. We talked about forgiveness, and how stuff happens that isn't our fault and it will affect us for a long time.

There's two songs that are really speaking to me right now... as far as all this goes.


I'll be honest. I can't remember a time in my life where I didn't feel like a broken girl, completely messed up to a point that was unfixable. But I was scared-I never told anyone about the pain, the addictions, or anything else that led me to feel that way. I decided I would rather just hide it, and deal with it on my own then have to face these things. After all what I saw growing up in 'Happy-Valley' was that nobody had issues, trials, or demons they were battling... and if they did it was because of something they did wrong.
So for years every other hurt that came along got shoved into the same hole. I just tried to hide it and lie so I could live up to who I was supposed to be. In junior high and high school all the sudden there was something "cool" with being a little different, a little rebellious. & all these little rebellious acts led me to situations that quickly became out of my control, I could never say no, and so I was continuing to feel more and more broken. I would sometimes find this false sense of healing and let the damage continue.
I have felt damaged, broken, & worthless. I felt like no one would ever really love me. I have let the enemy make me feel this way, I've listened to the lies he would put in my heart.

Look what he’s done to you it isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care, he took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast

Now words like innocence don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play, but you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind, keep you locked up inside your past

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

Those damaged goods you see in your reflection
Love sees them differently, Love sees perfection
A beautiful display of healing on the way tonight

Look what he’s done to you it isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care, he took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast


Now words like innocence don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play, but you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind, keep you locked up inside your past


This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
, girl

Let your tears touch the ground, lay all your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl and put her back together again
 
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

I actually heard that song first. I cried and cried and downloaded it on my phone so I could cry more. It was a good cry, a release, a step in healing. Then a few days later I heard You Are More, it added the perfect touch to my story.
I relate to this song much more presently than I do the other one. It reminds me of where I was when I met Nic. It's a place that I think a lot of people have been, a place that I tend to get stuck... But it also reminds me about where we are now. Me and Nic. Because of the love of Christ we are totally different than who we were and we shouldn't be getting stuck where we have been.. Nic is such a huge support to me.  He knows what to say even when I can't say whats really bothering me deep down. "Jordyn, you know that you have been forgiven right? You can't hold on to the things you blame yourself for, you need to forgive yourself too."

There's a girl in the corner with tear stains on her eyes,
From the places she's wandered and the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade


Well she tries to believe it
that she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling that it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
 
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?


You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,

But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade


Both of these songs just speak to this part of my soul, the part that needed to hear these words the past two weeks. The part that is still healing... it's a work in a progress, and sometimes it's an emotional one. & I don't mind crying-haha.



"I will love you for you.
Not for what you have done or what you will become."

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Happy Birthday Peanut!

My awesome nephew Owen, (Peanut), turns ONE today!!

Wow... Seriously? It's been a whole year since I first held that little guy in my arms?


I'll be honest when I found out I was pregnant I kind of wanted a girl, (mostly so I could be the one to have the first grandaughter). But the last little while me and Nic have been watching Peanut a few days every week, and let me just say I am stoked to have a boy! Seriously if our little baby is half as neat as Peanut, (which he will be-obviously), I'm in for a ride and a treat for the next... oh... 18+ years haha.

So what is it that makes Peanut so awesome? (or as the Jackson's & Farish's would say, Why do I love Peanut?)

Once he had a mustache:

His first word was 'truck' followed closely by 'kitty':


He gives me lots of love & big kisses:


He falls sleep for Nic-ALWAYS, and never for me:


Here's some pics of the big party!






Peanut is such a fun kid. If anyone is laughing he will start laughing too likes its the funniest thing he has ever heard. He's constantly babbling, screeching, or laughing-noisy, noisy baby. I know everyone is anxious for him to start walking but when I sit on the floor across the room from him, and he starts crawling as fast as he can and almost panting like a little puppy, I just think of how much I will miss these moments. He's only going to be little for so long. & he's already 1!
Our little baby will be Peanut's only cousin. Those two boys are going to gets in all sorts of mischief together, and Peanut is going to be quite the little ring-leader I can tell already. haha

I love this little nut and I'm so excited to see him grow up. I know someday he'll be too old and too cool to give me big kisses and let me tickle his feet, so I'm just enjoying all these fun times we have now :-)


I have quite a few really cool posts coming up they are all in the process of being written. I have other people helping me out with a few of them, and I think it's gonna be really cool. So stay tuned!!