Wednesday, November 10, 2010

You Are More Than A Broken Girl

The past couple weeks have been weird... All this stuff has happened that seems like in any other relationship we would be fighting, and really upset at each other. But me and Nic have just had some really good sessions of growing even closer. We aren't taking out our frustrations or insecurities on each other, we are definitely learning the importance of effective communicating.
I've been trying to deal with things privately. Things that are from my past starting when I was just kid, that I have continued to let haunt me. Nic knows these things, but he didn't know that it was weighing so heavily on me. He knew something needed to escape, and somehow he knows all the right words to make me let it all out. We talked about forgiveness, and how stuff happens that isn't our fault and it will affect us for a long time.

There's two songs that are really speaking to me right now... as far as all this goes.


I'll be honest. I can't remember a time in my life where I didn't feel like a broken girl, completely messed up to a point that was unfixable. But I was scared-I never told anyone about the pain, the addictions, or anything else that led me to feel that way. I decided I would rather just hide it, and deal with it on my own then have to face these things. After all what I saw growing up in 'Happy-Valley' was that nobody had issues, trials, or demons they were battling... and if they did it was because of something they did wrong.
So for years every other hurt that came along got shoved into the same hole. I just tried to hide it and lie so I could live up to who I was supposed to be. In junior high and high school all the sudden there was something "cool" with being a little different, a little rebellious. & all these little rebellious acts led me to situations that quickly became out of my control, I could never say no, and so I was continuing to feel more and more broken. I would sometimes find this false sense of healing and let the damage continue.
I have felt damaged, broken, & worthless. I felt like no one would ever really love me. I have let the enemy make me feel this way, I've listened to the lies he would put in my heart.

Look what he’s done to you it isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care, he took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast

Now words like innocence don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play, but you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind, keep you locked up inside your past

This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

Those damaged goods you see in your reflection
Love sees them differently, Love sees perfection
A beautiful display of healing on the way tonight

Look what he’s done to you it isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care, he took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast


Now words like innocence don’t mean a thing
You hear the music play, but you can’t sing
Those pictures in your mind, keep you locked up inside your past


This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl
, girl

Let your tears touch the ground, lay all your shattered pieces down
And be amazed by how Grace can take a broken girl and put her back together again
 
This is a song for the broken girl
The one pushed aside by the cold, cold world
You are
Hear me when I say
You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a Love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl

I actually heard that song first. I cried and cried and downloaded it on my phone so I could cry more. It was a good cry, a release, a step in healing. Then a few days later I heard You Are More, it added the perfect touch to my story.
I relate to this song much more presently than I do the other one. It reminds me of where I was when I met Nic. It's a place that I think a lot of people have been, a place that I tend to get stuck... But it also reminds me about where we are now. Me and Nic. Because of the love of Christ we are totally different than who we were and we shouldn't be getting stuck where we have been.. Nic is such a huge support to me.  He knows what to say even when I can't say whats really bothering me deep down. "Jordyn, you know that you have been forgiven right? You can't hold on to the things you blame yourself for, you need to forgive yourself too."

There's a girl in the corner with tear stains on her eyes,
From the places she's wandered and the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear that I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,

What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade


Well she tries to believe it
that she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling that it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
 
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?


You are more than the choices that you've made,

You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,

But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,

But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade


Both of these songs just speak to this part of my soul, the part that needed to hear these words the past two weeks. The part that is still healing... it's a work in a progress, and sometimes it's an emotional one. & I don't mind crying-haha.



"I will love you for you.
Not for what you have done or what you will become."

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