Nicholas is my best friend, (as he very well should be), and I wouldn't have it any other way. He is a source of strength and laughter for me, he knows all these little things about me that no one else knows. & sometimes it feels like he can read my mind, he knows what I'm going to do or say before it happens. He "always" says the right thing to make me feel better, and he doesn't say it because it's the right thing but because that is what he really means. & I love that, all of it. I love how close we are, & the fact that we really truly are best friends. I think that makes us pretty lucky.
But there's still times when we both feel a bit like we are missing out. Outside of each other we don't really have any close friends that we get to spend time with. Nic's childhood best friend is currently out of the country serving a mission for his church, and the friend that he was living with when we met has decided to no longer have anything to do with him. Nic tells me that he's never been the kind of guy that hung out with a big group of friends, but that he always had just few really close friends.
I had a breakdown sometime ago after I went shopping at Target because (& trust me I know this is silly) I just felt like a freak. And I know that is because while I have "friends", (more like acquaintances), who are pregnant, I don't feel like I have someone close to talk to or relate to. None of my close-friends are in the same place in their lives as me... & in all honesty I don't even feel like I have close-friends, it's more like we-once-were-close-friends.
I don't even know any of you anymore. How is it that we were all so close for so long-growing and changing in a lot of the same ways-and now you are a stranger to me?? I thought we all loved Jesus, I thought we all wanted to grow close to Him... I'd be lying if I said I didn't have my struggles/sins, but I'm still clinging to Jesus and His Word. When I go to church and I don't see any of those faces I had grown so used to, I grow so sad knowing that you are turning your back on Him. Don't ignore Him and the ways He is convicting and leading you. Please. we all want you to turn around-come back. Have you truly forgotten the truth? Have you forgotten all that he has done for you? Are you that self-centered that you don't see it? Or do you just not care? It's sad that the people I used to consider Brothers and Sisters in Christ, are now the people that I'm on knees praying that they would come to the Lord.
I'm sorry if this is all a little scatter-brained. I'm just in a state of sadness. I'm coming to the sad realization that these people aren't who they used to be. We were there for each other when times got really hard, for encouragement, and accountability. & now all I can see is them pulling away from God, slowly but surely they are falling back into old habits, one-by-one...
It makes me sad to think that I really am losing friends. I've made the choice not to associate with them so closely because I don't approve of the lifestyle choices they are making.
"Don't be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character." 1Corinthians 15:33
I don't want to seem self-righteous, like I'm so much better than these people or even that I think I have it all figured out-because I don't. I just think there is a difference between noticing your faults/shortcomings and then just thinking that every thing you do is fine-justifying the sin for whatever reason. I also have to fight off feelings that I'm just being hypocritical. I've been in the exact place some of my friends are in right-what right do I have to tell what they are doing is wrong? But I'm not judging them or condemning them for being such horrible people. I just know from experience, (both personal and the experiences I have witnessed), where certain paths will lead to.
"Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church." Ephesians 4:15
I have my other friends who because of distance we can't be there for each other physically, because of the busyness it's hard to be there emotionally, and because of a difference in beliefs its sometimes hard to be there spiritually. Of course these girls are always there for me in any way that can be. I love them eternally, and cherish every little bit of love they have shown to me, and will continue to show me.
I wrote this down in my notes one night at Bible Study: "God may bring circumstances into our lives, that bruise us and cause us to lose things. But only so he can pull us in closer and do a mighty work in our lives. If we just accept the situations the Lord brings into our lives, and not try and fight it, or fix it in our own way, we will see the AMAZING work the Lord is doing, and the wonderful outcome he has planned"
& so I am just waiting and praying. I know that this is just a season I'm going through, (and it may all be a little hormonally influenced). I know that right now it would be more of a challenge for me to be good friend to someone, I'm a newlywed, and a soon-to-be-mommy. I think God is sparing me and others from hurt I could cause by being a bad friend. So I'll just continue to love on my best friend, we're going through the same things and see each other daily, so we do a pretty good job at being friends. & someday I'll be able to more fully enjoy the blessings that come from having a close-friend.