I've been feeling very prompted to write this particular blog-post. I think not only because I need to share this story with other people, but I need a more permanent record of this, and a place where I can fully look back and see more clearly what the Lord was trying to show me. (hindsight is 20/20 after-all)
Last week I got a question on my formspring asking, 'What song makes you cry no matter what?' One of the songs I listed was Come Thou Fount. A couple days later Val referenced the song in a comment on one of my blogs. Then this week at Bible study we sang it as part of worship. It's all too much in the span of a week to be coincidence (not that I believe in coincidences regardless)
This song is so special to me.
I guess it all started sometime in April of 2009, I had once again started spending time with the 'on-again-off-again', JR. One night I couldn't sleep, and was up tossing & turning. There were these lyrics running through my head over & over again, "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above." The next morning I thought it was weird but just brushed it off.
That night at Bible study as soon as I heard that familiar tune start up, I couldn't believe it I had to lean over to my mom and tell her about what had happened the night before. I knew that God was speaking to me, and so I was trying to listen and hear what he had to say to me. I felt inspired and motivated to cling to the Lord... but I was blind to the area where I had been wandering.
A few hours later me and some friends were in my room, and JR started whistling. I'm not lying when I say that my heart nearly stopped when I heard it. "What was that?" I asked. It took him a minute to even realize that he had been whistling, another friend said, "Wasn't that a hymn?" Before any one could say anything I said, "Yes, Come Thou Fount." That's when he realized it too and he said, "Oh yeah, that's really weird... I haven't heard that song in at least 5 years." I had to tell them all about how that song kept coming up in the last 24 hours, I could tell most of them just processed it as something that was neat. But, to me it was so much more.
That day that song became one of my ultimate favorites to me that day. I knew that this song was special... I knew that obviously God wanted to show me something. But it took me way too long to see all that He wanted to show me then.
A few weeks later things became a little bit clearer in a dream I had. (Now, I almost always have crazy dreams, seriously every morning we wake up and I say to Nic, "I have to tell you about my crazy dream." [Most recently I had a dream our baby was on back-order]) I'm not saying I had a vision or anything, but I do know that something deep down inside of me was trying to make me aware of how ridiculous the situation I had put myself into was. In this dream I was giving everyone around little pieces of myself in the form of bubbles, I gave and gave and gave till I had almost nothing left to give. That's when JR came up, I reached inside and gave him my heart, he tried to resist, but I made him take it. Later in my dream another girl saw it and asked him about it, he told her it was nothing and pushed it to the dark dusty corner under the bed.
I woke up feeling sad, and confused, but I knew I was seeing him that day so I decided just to bring up then and see what he had to say. That day he told me he was choosing to date the other girl-not me. I slapped him, he cried, I told him about my dream, and I cried.
Like I said, hindsight really is 20/20. It's so obvious to see now what I had been blind to then. I was wondering from God and all He wanted for my life, I had been trying to give my heart to someone who didn't deserve it instead of just giving it to the Lord to keep and protect.
So the question now is, what is God trying to show me this time?
12/31/10 in my notes I wrote, "For a believer, If God is not in His proper place we will continue to fell a mourning and desire to have Him back. Weekly or even daily is not often enough to meet with God and make sure He is in His place. God doesn't move- we move away from Him."
"So be very careful to love the Lord your God." Joshua 23:1
01/16/11- "Where do you leave grooves? On the floor from your knees (in prayer)? Or somewhere else? That is where your devotion lies."
01/19/11- "To lead your children in a spiritual life you have to get rid of any idol you may have. Don't let anything rival God for your affection. It has to be a conscience decision-today and every day to come."
I'll admit there's more I could add, but I'll leave it that. Sometimes it's hard to see just how easy it is to see what we need to see. (I really hope that made sense.)
I know where I'm lacking, from where I've wondered-it's hard to admit but I'd rather admit it and grow closer to Him, then to ignore it and stay far away.
This is only the beginning.