Sunday, November 20, 2011

Why do I write about adoption?

I recently got asked this question on formspring

Why do you write about adoption when you aren't part of the adoption triad?

I've decided I won't be able to write a response that is quick and concise, so I'll answer it here where I can fully elaborate. 

I'm trying very hard to not take this question offensively.But since the very first time I blogged about Olivia/adoption I have received quite a bit of hate. I feel like people are trying to push me away, and make me feel as if I don't belong. I've always tried to deal with it privately, & not let a lot of people know how bad it hurts me. But the truth is, it's hurts a lot, the things people have said about myself and my husband, are often times nothing but malicious. I think some of it stems from the bias against birthfathers that I've seen time and time again. So I apologize in advanced if any of this comes off as being defensive.
First of all, if anyone is unaware this is the adoption triad.



So the person who asked the question is right; I am not part of the adoption triad. But that doesn't stop me from being a huge supporter of adoption. I wish more people faced with unexpected pregnancies would at least consider and look into adoption.
When I was in fifth grade my friend Alexis' family adopted a little baby boy. It was the first time adoption became real to me, he wasn't just an orphan left on somebody's porch. His birthmother chose the family she placed with, and his mom was in the room when he was born.... & that is when I started to fall in love with adoption. Seeing how much her family loved this little boy, their mother didn't give birth to him & his skin was a different color but it didn't matter he was just their brother. I had no idea at that time how much all of that would mean to me, and affect the way I saw adoption.

One of the very beautiful things about the open adoption we have with Olivia is that members of her extended birth family, including aunts, uncles & grandparents can all be included in her life. Whether by sending gifts, reading about her on her family's blog, or even spending time with her when she comes to visit.



 I may not be her birth parent but I am a part of her birth family.
Learning about and later meeting Olivia changed my life in ways I can't even begin to explain. That little girl means so much to me & I think unless you know me or are in a similar position it may be hard to see how/why I love her the way I do.

This isn't an adoption blog, nor is it a 'mommy blog', or... anything else really. Its those things and more because this is my blog of my life. I am never trying to offend or hurt anyone with the things I write. I'm just trying to share my experience. And I think I am extremely blessed to be able to say that adoption has played such a big role in that experience and I can't help but want to share that..

18 comments:

  1. I don't understand how you think you are part of her birth family... You aren't. Her birth family does NOT consist of you or Taylor for that fact. Simply because you married her birth father doesn't mean you become part of her birth family. Just claifying as a birth mother AND adoptive mother AND biological mother. My husband hasn't been "touched by adoption" simply because he married me, and neither have you! Leave blogging about adoption to those who have lived the pain of placement and infertility.

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  2. Wow Anonymous. If you really are a Birthmother AND Adoptive Mother AND biological Mother (or any one of those for that matter), why the HECK are you so against Jordyn blogging about Adoption??

    Just because she isn't part of the 'Adoption Triad' doesn't mean she shouldn't post about adoption. That's absurd. Really it is. I'm a birthmother and NO, my husband is not as involved with the little girl I placed as I am, but WHO CARES if Jordyn is?? She can be as involved/uninvolved as she would like. I'm GRATEFUL that she is such an advocate of adoption.

    How can you, if you are as you say, an Adoptive mother and birthmother, be so against her blogging about this?

    I'm pretty disgusted with that question and your comment. How can you treat someone who is only supporting adoption this way? How is it hurting you that she's doing this? At least she's supportive.

    Jordyn, there is nothing wrong with you posting about adoption. If the birthfather of the little girl I placed ever got married, and his wife was this supportive, I would LOVE her! At least SOMEONE would be! (cause he most definitely was not.) Thank you for supporting adoption and just ignore these dumb, mean people that somehow find your advocacy hurting their life. <3

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  3. OH and for the record, Jordyn IS part of the birth family. Like she said, she's not a birth parent, but she married into the family. That's like saying that your in-laws aren't family because you're not blood related. She's part of the birth family and I very much consider my husband as part of Averys (the little one I Placed) birth family!

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  4. Thank you Andee. I was actually thinking the same thing about in-laws. My parents consider my husband to be their son, its the same thing..

    Anonymous- I don't know why you feel the way you do, everyone's experience is different. But if Nic, Stefanie, AND D&V all consider me part of the birth family then I don't see a problem. You're right about one thing, I have never really felt the pain of infertility, and I have never placed a child. But the fact of the matter is I have been touched and deeply affected by adoption, & more specifically by Olivia's adoption. I have felt my own pain because of her placement-I'm truly sorry if that offends you but it's the truth. I've had to go through my own pain and grieving for loss of 'what could have been'. Maybe that sounds silly to you...if they had not chosen adoption she would be my daughter, technically "step-daughter" but that would make no difference to me.

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  5. I'm going to be blunt and give you my honest opinion.... by you saying "I have felt my own pain because of her placement" To me it feels like you're taking the adoption from Nic and Stefanie and making it your own. I understand being married to someone and wanting to be there for them through every struggle that they have... but making something in their past your own. I don't see how that can be healthy.

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  6. I think blogging about adoption is great and bringing awareness to other types of readers is a wonderful thing. I would just think that blogging about Nic and Stefanie's adoption would be something for them to do. Not to sound rude or offensive.

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  7. I just want to clarify for everyone who reads this blog or happens to come across this. It is not YOUR say whether Jordyn blogs about Stefanie or my adoption. It is ours. And Jordyn talks to both of us and regularly and has me proof read her blogs about the subject to make sure she is not saying something she shouldn't (which is just silly since she never blogs anything offensive). Also as she said above, this is not an adoption blog. This is not Jordyn claiming to be O's mom. She DOES have every right to write what she does. She is expressing her personal opinion on adoption and specifically how marrying O's birthdad, aka me, has changed her and how her love for O, which is tremendous, affects her. Even if you don't agree, it is a her blog and her opinion. She can't be wrong.
    Last thing, how can you even begin to say she hasn't been "touched by adoption". When you read a heartfelt story what do you say? You say you were so "touched" where do you get off saying that when all you did was read a story about something you will never encounter and never see, then come to my wife's blog and tell her that she can't say she has be "touched by adoption" because she hasn't felt the "pain of placement and infertility". You are a birthmom and a bio mom. Why do you talk about infertility when you have obviously never experienced that pain. Jordyn's first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and we weren't quite sure if we would ever be able to have kids except through adoption. But you didn't know that because you don't understand our situation. So please stop attacking things you THINK you understand.

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  8. Way to assume something and look like an ass... 1 miscarriage is nothing to my 9! Having my own biological child after the one I paced was a medical miracle. I know full well what infertility feels like.

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  9. I have never met Jordyn in real life, but I am so offended by Anonymous/Katelyn. Seriously, how can you sit there and bash her for this??

    How DARE you belittle Other peoples trials and compare them to 'your own'. I'm disgusted! You shouldn't even belong to the adoption world because you're taking something so beautiful, and turning it into something ugly. How DARE you say these things to someone that is only promoting adoption. You have major issues.

    Nics comment wasn't rude at ALL. He was only being blunt and standing up for his wife which says a lot about him. HOWEVER Your comment was mean, nasty and offensive. I cannot believe you would say these things to someone. I am sick that you are turning Adoption into something like this. You act like belonging to the 'Adoption Triad' is some kind of club and that those who don't belong to it, are less than you and shouldn't act like they know how WE feel.

    Do you really have nothing better to do but make other people feel bad about something they should only be thanked for?? and sorry, but I'm pretty certain that Katelyn and anonymous are the same person. I can't fathom how anyone else could agree with this. You are a very mean person. GO away.

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  10. I am Andee's friend, she posted this blog post and I just have a few things I would like to say. No, I am not a birth mother, I haven't adopted, and honestly, I had one little miscarriage before I even knew I was pregnant. So no, I don't claim to understand any one's pain. BUT I am a wife. Trials that my husband went through even as a teenager still affect the person he is today and our relationship. Any good marriage merges two people into one and each others problems and issues become yours. So I can TOTALLY see how you would feel like you are a part of this adotion. Because you are. You don't claim to understand the pain for yourself, but yeah, when you're married, you take on each other's pain.
    You're not a hypocrit like "annonymous" is trying to make you sound like. You're a good wife. A normal wife. One that loves her husband.
    And as a side note, I just have to say that anything that someone says under annonymous has no proof of being true. So what reason does anyone have to really believe that you had a baby then had 9 miscarriages and suddenly now your baby is a medical miracle? Maybe it's true, but it sounds a little (or a LOT) dramatic to me...exaggerate much?? Very possibly. Just know, when you are too much of a coward to publish your real identity, no one has to take you seriously.

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  11. Anonymous/Katelyn- I will not be posting anymore of your comments. If you are so offended by the things I say, please don't come read them. I will be praying for you. I'm sorry you have so much hurt and anger, & I hope you can be healed from all of it. God bless you.

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  12. Ok, Andee posted this on facebook and seeing this arguement, I have been affected by Stefanie's and Nic's experience with and I support them as well as other Birth Mothers and others that have been affected with Adoption! Agree with Nic, Jordyn and Andee. Jordyn has her right to express her feelings about Adoption, and has a full on dead right to feel that she is apart of her family! I look forward to a time where I get married and feel accepted into my in-laws family as if I'm their Daughter and visa versa for my future husband! Jordyn has the right to Love those around her, it is not only the Christ like thing to do but by what I've read on her blog a few times here and there, she is very good natured and cares and Loves O very much. And I don't blame here, the whole story is amazing and heart warming. I'm sorry, if you don't want to accept the fact that people sacrificed so much to place their birth children for adoption to give them more (aka a mother, a father, and a Family)! Adoption is just as miraculous and amazing as any other birth! It's precious and it's sacred! I Love Adoption! Krista, I Love your Comment! And I totally agree with you!

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  13. I'm also a friend of Andee's. Jordyn I think it's fantastic that you write about and promote adoption. Please don't let a couple of jerks drag you down. You are part of a birth family, you are touched by adoption, and you have every right to feel as you feel about adoption and precious Olivia.

    Anon - you are an ass not worth responding to.

    Katelyn - At least because you posted your name I'd like to respond to your statement that Jordyn can feel no placement pain. Seriously? That's like if your best friend died but you were told you aren't allowed to be sad because you weren't her parent and that would take away from her parent's pain. Nic and Stefanie weren't the only people to have a loss because of placement, obviously their pain is greater than anyone else could imagine and they come first. But the remaining birth family (including Jordyn of course) felt a loss and pain too.

    Jordyn, thank you for sharing!

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  14. Jordyn you're so forgiving! I Love it!

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  15. Like Jordyn, I am not part of Katelyn's (aka anonymous') "adoption triad" club.

    But I have also been very touched and deeply effected by adoption. I will forever be passionate about adoption. Jordyn has every right to witte about anything Se feels passionate about. NO ONE has the right to try and stop her or to degrade those passions. Katelyn just because you have given yourself all those titles, does not mean that you have any more of a right than anyone to feel strongly about adoption. You have no idea what other people feel or what their lives are like so don't pretend to. It just makes you look like a tool.

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  16. It is not up to anyone to judge what is in someone's heart. I went to an adoption conference where a young women in her twenties married a birth father. That women felt a loss as well that she had to go through because that would have been her step son. She is now and adoption advocate and talks on panels about how adoption has touched her life. Go for it! Put your heart out there, you are hearing from the haters but there are so many who appreciate what you have to say and we get what you are saying!! itsusdanandemily.blogspot.com

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  17. I normally don't add to heated debates. However, I read Stefanie's story as she was pregnant and followed her the whole way through, maybe not commenting, but Andee as well. For one, everyone's story is different. And yes, I feel like you have a RIGHT to blog about adoption, honestly ANYONE can. You don't say you are a birth mother and never said you were. But, you have Asher.. and as a mother, you have a son that favors O quite a lot. How can you not be involved? How can you not have a heart for that to touch you? I think whatever you blog about is your business, but being married to her birthdad, I can see where it becomes emotional for you!

    Crystal

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  18. Jordyn, I love that you write about adoption. Yours is such a unique perspective; thank you for sharing it.

    Let us all take a deep breath and remember that we should never compare heartaches or judge grief. In this emotional world of infertility and adoption (from all sides), judging grief and using one-uppers in an effort to belittle never does anything but make us all feel horrible in the end.

    http://www.therhouse.com/understanding-and-supporting-pregnancy-loss-dos-and-do-nots/


    “People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” ~Mother Teresa

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