Saturday, November 17, 2012

Angry....Forgiveness

"It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and angry woman." Proverbs 21:19

I've spent a lot of my life angry. Even now it is something I struggle with daily. I am a highly emotional person and for a long time I let my emotions control my life, (still working on this, but getting better). Emotions are confusing and as a result I would just get mad. It was easier than trying to figure out the 'why'-was it because I was disappointed? or frustrated? I kept everything bottled up because I didn't want my words to hurt someone else, I didn't know how to vocalize all that I felt-or even if I should. But everyone knows you can only keep things bottled up for a short time before it all starts boiling over. My boiling point sometimes resulted in me lashing out in anger, and sometimes it would manifest in tears, but regardless I was angry.

Oh, and I hate it! I try so hard to be a kind, loving, cheerful person... and even if that is what you see, I still spent/spend so much time angry.
And why? What's the point? It doesn't help anything, it doesn't fix anything...

"I can't believe what she said,
I can't believe what he did,
Oh, dont' they know its wrong?
Don't they know its wrong?"

I know that this anger, just like any other feeling or emotion, is a choice. So why would I choose this? The best conclusion I could come to is because it helps me feel safe and guarded. If I'm still angry then I won't make the mistake of letting myself get hurt in that way again right?

I started writing this with a heart full of bitterness and anger, ready to list out all the little things I was currently angry about... Now I sit here with a heart full of sadness, feeling like 'how can I fix this'?

"It's the opposite of how you feel
When the pain they caused is just to real
It takes everything you have just to say the word...
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
It flies in the face of all your pride
It moves away the mad inside
It's always anger's own worst enemy
Even when the jury and the judge
Say you gotta right to hold a grudge
It's the whisper in your ear saying 'Set It Free"


Ah yes, forgiveness. Such a misunderstood word, (at least for me), which is why I was so happy to find this article from Mars Hill Church. (the italics are my own addition)

10 Things Forgiveness is Not
 
1. Forgiveness is not approving or diminishing sin.
It’s not saying, "Well, it’s okay. Nobody’s perfect. Everybody makes a mistake," or, "It’s not a really big deal. Worse things have happened." No, it is a big deal! It’s so big that God died for it. So don’t dishonor the cross of Jesus and approve or diminish something that required the death of God.

2. Forgiveness is not enabling sin.
 I see this frequently with wives who misunderstand submission. "Okay, the husband is the head of the home, he’s supposed to lovingly lead." Great. He’s supposed to lovingly lead by following Jesus, and if he’s not following Jesus, the wife shouldn’t follow him because her ultimate allegiance is to Jesus and the first job description of the wife is to be a helper. And sometimes husbands are foolish. They make stupid decisions financially. They make reckless decisions spiritually. They buck godly, spiritual authority trying to correct them. And in the name of forgiving them, the wife comes along and enables him. She just is complicit in his rebellion and sin and folly. You can forgive someone without enabling their sin, participating in it. You can have a friend or a family member who is an addict, for example, you can forgive them without enabling them. Forgiving is not enabling. Forgiving can even include confronting and rebuking, and sometimes it must.

3. Forgiveness is not denying a wrongdoing.
"It didn’t happen. I forgot all about it. I just moved on. I pretend like it never happened. I didn’t let it affect me." That’s not true. It’s not the denial of a wrongdoing. Forgiveness is not denying that you were sinned against. 

4. Forgiveness is not waiting for an apology.
Some of you say, "I will forgive them as soon as they say they’re sorry." I hate to break it to you, some people are never going to apologize. Some people are going to continue in their destructive, rebellious, and foolish life course. Some people will be stubborn and religious and self-righteous and they’ll never confess or admit. Some people will move away, you’ll never speak with them again. Some people will die before they articulate repentance. And so you forgive them before they apologize. 

5. Forgiveness is not forgetting.
This is one of the great Christian myths. "Well, we forgive and forget." No we don’t! You can’t forgive and forget. You can’t. You were raped, molested, abandoned, beaten, abused, cheated on, betrayed, lied about. "Forget it"? You can’t forget it. It’s impossible. And some will appeal to Bible books like Jeremiah, where it says that God will remember their sin no more. And they’ll say, "See? God doesn’t remember our sin." And let me tell you this, God does remember our sin. He’s omniscient, he’s all knowing, he forgets nothing, he knows everything. Right? It’s not like God’s in heaven going, "I forgot a whole bunch of things." He would cease to be God. What does it mean that God remembers their sin no more? It means that God chooses not to interact with us based upon what we’ve done, but instead interact with us based upon what Christ has done. It means that he chooses to see us as new creations and he chooses to work for a new future. It means that at the forefront of God’s thinking toward us is not all of the sin that we’ve committed, but all the work that Jesus has done for us and in us and, by grace, will do through us. But it’s not like God has no idea what you did yesterday. He forgets nothing. And I see this sometimes in counseling, where one person will sin against another person and they’ll say, "Well, you shouldn’t even remember that." It’s impossible. I had one situation recently. I looked at the husband, I was like, "You slept with her best friend. She’s not going to forget that ever. Now, she can choose not to interact with you in light of that. She could choose to forgive you. She can choose to not be stewing on that every minute of every day and seething. But she’s never going to forget that this happened because it was cataclysmic." 

6. Forgiveness is not ceasing to feel the pain.
Just because it hurts doesn’t mean you’ve failed to forgive. It still hurts. Some of you have had horrible things done to you. Horrible things done to you. With all sincerity, I’m sorry. And it would be so cruel to say, "Well, if you’ve forgiven them, it shouldn’t hurt anymore." Well, sure it does. See, we don’t hear in the Bible that all the tears are wiped from our eyes until the resurrection of the dead in the final unveiling of the kingdom. It means people are crying all the way to Jesus. It still hurts. It’s okay for it to bother you. 

7. Forgiveness is not a onetime event.
It’s not like you forgive someone and it’s over. Sometimes, they keep sinning, so you need to keep forgiving. Or sometimes you forgive them, but there are emotional moments where it feels fresh. There’s one woman that I know, her husband committed adultery on her. And he earnestly repented and she honestly forgave him and they have sought biblical counseling and they have worked it out. But she confesses there are times, sometimes even at church, where her husband is doing nothing wrong, and it’s been some years, that she’ll just see him talking to another woman, maybe even a mutual friend, and just the sight of him with another woman causes her to feel all of that betrayal again and it rises up in her soul. And she needs to forgive him again for what he did in the past. Sometimes forgiveness is something that is regularly required. 

8. Forgiveness is not neglecting justice.
You can forgive someone and call the police and have them arrested. You can forgive someone and testify against them in court. Romans 13 says to obey the government. They’d say, "I thought you forgave me." "I do. I forgive you. But you’ve committed a crime. You’ve broken the law. And so these are the consequences." If you’ve stolen, you need to pay it back. If you’ve lied, you need to go tell the truth. It’s not a neglecting of justice. You can forgive and pursue justice.

9. Forgiveness is not trusting.
I hear this all the time. "My dad molested me. He said he’s sorry. Can he babysit my kids?" Answer? No way. No way. "My boyfriend or husband hit me, but he said he’s sorry. Should we just pick up where we left off and keep going?" No way. See, trust is built slowly. It’s lost quickly. Trust is built slowly. Those of you, now hear this, I’m your pastor who loves you. Let me put an airbag around this. For those of you who are naive and gullible, trust is to be given slowly, lost quickly. Some of you give your whole heart away and never take it back. Give it away slowly and if someone sins against you grievously, trust has to be rebuilt over time. It’s not trusting. It’s not trusting. Some people can be trusted in time with fruit and keeping with repentance after they’ve gotten help. Other people should never be trusted because the risk is simply too high. This is particularly true with children who are vulnerable. We need to be exceedingly careful with who we trust. 

10. Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
It’s not that you’re friends and you hang out and everything’s okay. You’re close and it’s back to normal. Not at all. It takes one person to repent. It takes one person to forgive. It takes two people to reconcile. That’s why Paul says, "In as much as it is possible with you, seek to live at peace with all men." Here’s what he’s saying. Do your best, but you can’t be at peace with everyone. But if it doesn’t work out, make sure it’s their fault, not yours. Right? It takes two people to reconcile. This is where I’ve got a friend right now who’s in the midst of a divorce because she is acknowledging her own sin, her husband really is the problem, and she’s saying, "I love you, I forgive you. If you’ll meet with counselors, if you’ll submit to the authority in our church, I extend a hand to you and we can reconcile and save this marriage." He’s saying, "No. I don’t think I did anything wrong. I don’t think I need to listen to the pastor. I don’t need to meet with a counselor. I don’t need to listen to anyone. It’s your fault." There will be no reconciliation. Not with a man like that. Repentance takes one, forgiveness takes one, reconciliation takes two. 


So what I see from that is that forgiveness isn't as hard or scary as I previously thought. I thought I was doing something wrong because I would think back to a time where I truly did forgive someone for something, and yet here I was now angry about it again. "sometimes you forgive them, but there are emotional moments where it feels fresh...Sometimes forgiveness is something that is regularly required." This makes me feel so much better, because I know deep-down I don't want to be angry, and bitter, I want to be forgiving. & I know that by the Grace of God I can forgive those who hurt me, (including myself), as much as need be to keep my heart guarded from bitterness. Maybe the best guard is love...

"I tell you, her sins--and they are many--have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love." Luke 7:47

"Oh Father won't you forgive them,
They don't know what they've been doin'
Oh Father give me Grace to forgive them,
Cause I feel like the on losing...
I feel like I've been losing."


Friday, November 9, 2012

Our Firstborn

I've been thinking a lot lately about just how special our little Asher is to me, Nic, and so many other people who love him. He is now 20 months which means he moved from the nursery to the toddler class in church. This was met with mixed emotions from all over. The people who help out in the nursery were sad he won't be there anymore, but the people in the toddler class have been asking me for the last few months when he would come to their class. He is quite the popular little man at our church. All the time people, (mostly kids who help out in his classes), will come up and talk to him, give him hugs, or just play with him. It makes me so happy to see other people loving him, it just helps show just how special he is.


He loves music. Any time there is music he is singing or dancing, he will even pull out Nic's guitar and lay it on the floor and play along. One day we were walking outside of the spa where Nic works, and a car alarm started going off. So of course Asher stops walking and starts dancing and mimicking the noises. I just started laughing and dancing with him.


It was about a year ago that we started seriously discussing having another baby. I was so torn because Asher is my baby... I worried about him feeling replaced, like he wasn't enough and we needed another baby. It was then that I realized that if for some reason we were never able to add another child to our family, Asher was (& is) more than enough. My heart swells I play with him, his laughter can change my entire mood around. He is pretty much perfect.
Around the same time that we decided to try for another baby, I noticed Asher had a unique love for babies.  Babies in real life, on tv, and even just baby dolls-he loves them. My mom and I were helping out in the nursery at church, and there was a baby who was just a few weeks old, and most of the other kids didn't really notice. But Asher was enthralled he wanted to help hold her, and give her her binky. It's little things like that, that make me so excited for him to be a big brother.

I still think he's grown up much too fast...

Nic and I aren't just getting another beautiful son to add to our family. My Asher Ryan is going to get a little brother!
& we're all very excited.

He's going to be such a helpful, loving, fun big brother. He chases away all my fears of having a second child.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Bambino 2!

Seeing as its only 100 till my due date, I figured I better start posting some pregnancy updates.

 This pregnancy was so much different than Asher's. I was a lot more sick, and for the first half I wasn't really having cravings as much as a lot of strange aversions. (I couldn't cook meat, or even open the freezer without feeling queasy.) So that along with some old wives tales, and the fact that my dad and Nic's dad both had their kids in boy-girl-boy-girl order, made me (& pretty much everyone else) think we were having a girl.
But... Surprise!
My due date is February 12, 2013 which means we'll have two little boys 2 years apart. It's a bit daunting but it's going to so fun to see them grow up together. Asher already loves babies so I know he is going to be a great big brother!
I've really been doing a terrible job at taking baby bump pics. This is 17 weeks.
Since reaching the 2nd trimester I've been having a much easier time. No more sickness, and I'm still small enough that I don't feel like I'm mostly baby (at least not yet).
23 weeks
So far we have had 4 ultrasounds. The first was to determine how far along I was, the second was just for the gender check, then we had the standard 20 week anatomy scan but they couldn't get a good view of his face or heart, so we had to go back 4 weeks later and get another. With Asher we only had 2 total, so it's been so different just getting to see this little guy so much and see that he has tiny nostrils like Asher, and those cute kissy/sucky lips that newborns seem to have.

 I forgot to write this story in my post about the last concert we went to, but it fits here too. The concert was the day after my last ultrasound so I made sure to bring along the pics to show my parents. Nic had to work, and the concert was in Layton (an hour-ish north of our house), so me and Asher rode up with Raegyn. We were all starving when we got there so we went to Subway, and when we left I accidentally left my wallet on the roof of Raegyn's car. When I realized I lost it, we drove back and tried to find it-it had only been about an hour but we couldn't find it anywhere. We called the police and Subway to see if anyone had turned it in but no such luck. I immediately called my bank to cancel my debit card, and we drove to the concert. I was still on the phone when we got there, so my dad just came over and gave me a hug. I was holding it together very well, until that point, when I realized the ultrasound pics were in my wallet, then I had a pretty big break-down. I let myself relax and enjoy the concert, and that night I prayed for a miracle. The next morning, we were getting ready to go home and I was thinking of all the places I needed to call to see if they had my wallet, and then all the places I would need to call and go to replace what had been lost if I didn't find it. Then I got a call, "Hi Jordyn, this is 'so-and-so' calling from [my doctor's office], we received a call from [landscaping company] that they found your wallet and traced you back to us. Their number is...." I was ecstatic! Sure the $25 cash I had was missing, but honestly that was what I was least concerned about finding again. My wallet was found, and the thing I was most upset about losing was the thing that helped me find it again!

Most Recent. 25 weeks.
So here we are, about 14 weeks till my due date. 14 weeks until the amount of kids I get to take care of doubles. woah. But the good news is I feel about half as clueless as I did last time, (& that worked out pretty well ;) )

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Fall Fun 2012

First we had a Halloween at my brother's house, and our little family was dressed as citizens from Capitol of Panem. (from The Hunger Games series)


you can't really tell but I'm wearing Mockinjay earrings, Nic has a Mockingjay pin, and Asher's Mockingjay is on his leg warmers.

Raegyn was a transformer. But I really love this pic because of mine and Ashee's kissy faces.
We also went to Lagoon. Nic was sick so he didn't come :( And even though I am unable to ride the rollercoasters, we had a lot of fun taking Asher and Owen on all the fun kiddie rides.






On Halloween, Nic was still feeling a little under the weather, and with Asher still being so young we didn't feel the need to go all out celebrating. So we dressed him up as Batman (which he loves), and took him the mall for a little trick or treating. He had a lot of fun, and was amazed by all the people just handing him candy, and calling him 'Batman'.